Communication FAIL!

Yesterday after hours of discussing what needed to be changed in this relationship and coming to the conclusion that it was worth making said changes and seeing if the relationship would work…you come home last night…and continue to do the same damn thing.

For me I realized that after a couple days of not communicating and hardly speaking to you I missed you.  Therefore, I expressed this to you and told you that because of this I couldn’t see myself giving up just yet.  That if I miss you after 2 days…what’s it going to be like if you’re gone?

You agreed saying you loved me and that you wanted to work on changes.

And then you came home from work…

I had this entire night planned out in my head that we were going to try and have a connection.  A physical and emotional CONNECTION.  Instead you blew me off.  And the worst part is…you don’t think you did anything!

The scene in my head before you came home….

Husband comes home, wife has dinner made, kids already in bed, bedroom is SPOTLESS!  (Yeah I know you don’t expect all these things but I WANTED to do them for you)

Anyway after hubby is finished with dinner…wife jumps his bones…THE END.  Seems simple right?

The real scenerio…

Hubby comes home….plops in front of the tv while consuming his dinner…wife is trying to make eye contact with no prevail.  Hubby gets done eating and starts another show on his DVR list…wife shoots him a text message (our teenage son was sitting on the couch…don’t need him hearing that I want to get it on with his father) so wife sends hubby a text message saying “I can think of other things we could be doing than this”  hubby texts back “Yeah, a shower lol”.

Now maybe wife should have text back “together?”…..but I had already been the one to put the suggestion into the universe so why can’t the hubby play along with my original thought!!! It’s not everyday his wife shoots him a text of this magnitude.  And he consistently complains of that very thing.  So now she feels shot down and just goes to bed.  And hubby can’t understand why she’s upset.

Let me paint the background of before the hubby got home.  The storm had been brewing for over a week and a few days ago hit like a ton of bricks. I was sick of it, he was sick of it, neither of us felt very happy.  So yesterday after long discussions about what to do we finally reached a decision and felt that the relationship was worth salvaging.

In the end we both agreed that we still loved each other.

And then last night happened.  And now because I feel like I asked for something (which is what he told me I needed to do…communicate better) and then he didn’t follow through now I am just angry again.  I mean do I have to spell it out for him every…single… time?  Like wasn’t my text message a clear signal as to what I wanted!?!?

I am just frustrated and almost to the point of fed up!

Is Divorce Our Only Answer?

There used to be this girl who was happy.

Now she only seems to be happy when you’re not around.

If someone would have told me 7 years ago that this is where I would be today…I would have never met you.  If I knew then, what I know now about you I would have ran in the opposite direction.

It’s hard for me to type those very words, especially because without you I wouldn’t have my beautiful children…but the words are true.   It’s taken me writing them in physical form to realize this fact.  And who’s to say that I wouldn’t have had children with someone else?  Someone who knew how to love someone.

So where do we go from here?

How do I look into my children’s eyes and know that they are about to live the exact same life that I lived?  A life with divorced parents.  A life of feeling torn between two places and always wishing that it was different.  How?

I don’t even know how we got here.  This relationship has been on auto pilot for so long that I guess it was bound to have a crash landing at some point.  I thought I would be more upset than what I am but the only thing that is upsetting me is knowing that I failed my children in the fact that I failed at the relationship with their father.  That they will now grow up in a broken home, with broken pieces, and broken promises.

That most likely they won’t even remember what we were like when we were together let alone when we were happy.

What’s really frustrating is that you act as if you don’t even care what’s really about to happen.  I will walk away from you and never look back.  You will only be “the father of my children” and nothing more to me.  The memory of this love will be erased from my mind because quite frankly it’s been a fog for so long that I have lost site of the days when it was good.  Our kids will have no memories of the couple who once loved each other so much that they would have done anything to be together.

That couple is long gone…and soon so will those memories.

The pictures of these memories won’t hang on a wall somewhere but instead be put into a box for when our children are older and can look for themselves.  I don’t want to be reminded of anything that once was and now no longer is.

Some might think it’s a harsh way to feel but this is my way of dealing with feelings.  It’s easier to shove them somewhere they no longer shine then to be blinded by their presence.

I am so angry and hurt right now that even trying to get these words out I am struggling with what I really want to say…

What Happens Between The Sheets When The Honeymoon Is Over?

My sex life has dwindled.

It’s been pretty much non-existent the last month.

Well except for maybe that one time…but I will spare you the details.

You see my husband and I are just never on the same “let’s have sex” wave length.  It’s either he’s in the mood and I am not or vice versa.  And I know it happens to every marriage but I just really thought that my marriage was invincible to that.

When you first get together with someone it’s like you can’t get enough of one another.  You can’t be in a room alone for more than 5 minutes before one of you is removing the other ones clothes.  The sex is so hot and steamy that you need a  cold shower several times a day just thinking about it.  ((wipe the sweat from your brow and continue))

But then over time you get married, you have kids, you gain weight, you lose weight, you work too much, exercise to little.  Yeah I know that I probably could have just stopped at “you get married” and everyone that’s married, and not having sex on a regular basis, would have totally related.

Why do things change between the sheets after the honeymoon phase is over?

Why all of a sudden do the hormones that once said “can’t wait to get naked and do the sideways mambo with him” gradually just turn into “ugh…not tonight honey…how about Wednesday of next week?” ((grabs planner and pencils it in))

It’s been this way in every long term relationship I have ever been in…even without being married.  It’s like suddenly one day I just wake up and what used to get the juices flowing has now drained the desire creek dry.  And no I am not referring to my lady vagina juice…that faucet works just fine. 😳

How do we get the desire back?  Is there a way without spending $150 a session with a sex therapist.  I mean seriously I have been to a therapist before for my own personal problems and she didn’t even speak clearly to me until I was about $1,000 in.

I used to blame it on the anti-depressant I was given after my last child was born.  It said that a possible side effect was ….how did they put it….lack of interest in sexual behaviors.   Or maybe it was advances.  Hell I don’t remember, all I knew is that I wasn’t interested in anything sex related while on it.  So I quit taking it.  It wasn’t doing anything for my mood swings.  And being bitchy along with never  horny….EVER…are grounds for any husband to leave.

So I went off them.

And for a while I thought I saw a flicker of hope in my sex mentality.  But nope…as fast as it came it went away even faster.

My poor husband has tried everything…although he did try this one thing one time that REALLY seemed to work but then he said that was just too much effort on his part to have sex.  Hmm.  Lazy asshole.  My husband…not my actual asshole.

How is your sex life? Are you married?  Has it changed?  Let me know in the comment would you…don’t be shy!

Teenage Dating ~ Why Doesn’t My Mother Like You?

Sometimes being a parent really has it’s moments.  Especially when those moments are being a step-parent to a teenage boy.

My teenage son recently got a girlfriend.

And they have gotten pretty serious.

Serious enough that he spends most of his free time at their house.  Her parents have grown to love him…as they should…he’s a great kid.  I wish I could say I had the same liking for their daughter.  But how are you supposed to get to know someone if they already assume that you don’t like them and then never come over to even find out?

When they first got together, she would come over here.  She would lay on the couch snuggled with him and then proceed to “make-out” in front of my other kids.  OOOOH what’s not to like?  My son also came home from HER house with hickeys on his neck one day and she came for a visit sporting a scarf and it was 90 fucking degrees outside.  That was the end of laying on the couch snuggled next to one another at my house.  I was under the impression that her parents were a bit on the strict side as well.  When I asked my son if they were allowed to lay on the couch and make-out at her house he said they weren’t.  Well then why would they both assume that was kosher at mine. And please tell me why my son came home from their house with hickeys on his neck?

Did I mention that they are 15.  She just turned 15.

Yes.  Call me old fashioned…I don’t care…I call it being a parent.

Apparently she does not.  She now thinks that because I have strict polices about what goes on in my house that I don’t like her.  Please tell me what reason she has given me for me to like her?

Maybe it was the time we ran into her at the shopping mall and all she could say was “My dad’s going to buy me this and my dad is going to buy me that”…as if somehow I gave a shit.  All that tells me is that she’s spoiled.  Being spoiled is one thing…shoving it in others faces is just being tasteless.  Still in the back of my head I try to remember that she is young and thinks she knows everything.

Am I being too harsh?

Is it wrong, as a mother, step-mother, a parent to think this way?

I have thought about trying to sit down and have a conversation with her but at this point I just feel like it would be a waste of my time.  I’m not trying to impress her…it’s the other way around.  I am not a friend…I am a parent…who doesn’t need to be a grandparent anytime soon!  I have rules.  His father and I try and run a tight ship around here and because of it he is a good student, a good athlete, and obviously a good enough kid that he is welcomed to their house.  We are strict but as long as he does what he is supposed to do then his freedom to do what he wants in his free time, is his.

Being a parent to teenagers who are dating is so different than when I was a teenager.  I see it in social media EVERY DAMN DAY!  What do you do to keep your teen from becoming a statistic?