There used to be this girl who was happy.
Now she only seems to be happy when you’re not around.
If someone would have told me 7 years ago that this is where I would be today…I would have never met you. If I knew then, what I know now about you I would have ran in the opposite direction.
It’s hard for me to type those very words, especially because without you I wouldn’t have my beautiful children…but the words are true. It’s taken me writing them in physical form to realize this fact. And who’s to say that I wouldn’t have had children with someone else? Someone who knew how to love someone.
So where do we go from here?
How do I look into my children’s eyes and know that they are about to live the exact same life that I lived? A life with divorced parents. A life of feeling torn between two places and always wishing that it was different. How?
I don’t even know how we got here. This relationship has been on auto pilot for so long that I guess it was bound to have a crash landing at some point. I thought I would be more upset than what I am but the only thing that is upsetting me is knowing that I failed my children in the fact that I failed at the relationship with their father. That they will now grow up in a broken home, with broken pieces, and broken promises.
That most likely they won’t even remember what we were like when we were together let alone when we were happy.
What’s really frustrating is that you act as if you don’t even care what’s really about to happen. I will walk away from you and never look back. You will only be “the father of my children” and nothing more to me. The memory of this love will be erased from my mind because quite frankly it’s been a fog for so long that I have lost site of the days when it was good. Our kids will have no memories of the couple who once loved each other so much that they would have done anything to be together.
That couple is long gone…and soon so will those memories.
The pictures of these memories won’t hang on a wall somewhere but instead be put into a box for when our children are older and can look for themselves. I don’t want to be reminded of anything that once was and now no longer is.
Some might think it’s a harsh way to feel but this is my way of dealing with feelings. It’s easier to shove them somewhere they no longer shine then to be blinded by their presence.
I am so angry and hurt right now that even trying to get these words out I am struggling with what I really want to say…