It’s been 3 weeks since our big discussion about wanting to change the problems of this marriage…starting with ourselves.
You insisted that we both needed to start exercising so we went and joined the gym. You have gone 3 times. I have worked out everyday. I realize you work, but when you have 4 days off and only go to the gym one of those days and the other 3 sit in front of the tv, it makes me want to punch you in the face.
If you don’t want to exercise that’s fine but don’t sit around whining about the fact that you have gained weight and don’t feel good about yourself. If you have the power to change that then do it or shut the fuck up about it.
Your quitting drinking only lasted about a month. Truth is I don’t mind if you want to tie one on every once in a while but when you stay out late drinking and then wake up the next day with a hangover and decide to have some “hair of the dog” which then continues all day, which now has turned into an over 24 hour drinking binge…that is not ok with me. NOT OK.
I took a walk this morning wanting to clear my head. For some reason Pandora kept playing these love ballads in my ear and it’s pretty hard to walk in 28*F weather with tears streaming down your cheeks turning into tiny pieces of ice freezing to my face. But for some reason I just couldn’t change the station…it was like part of me wanted to listen to them. Like I wanted to be reminded that YOU ARE HURTING ME! You haven’t done a single thing you promised. You’ve changed nothing and I have been working so hard to work on my broken self.
Towards the end of my walk I started to realize that physically I am getting stronger everyday but mentally I am still falling down a rabbit hole. I started to think about the paths I have taken in my life…the people I destroyed and hurt. Are you my payback for all the mistakes I have made. Is this constant pain you are causing me some kind of karma for all the pain I have caused…hearts I have broken? Do I somehow deserve this?
I thought about the 3 little people we have created and how much I am failing them by trying to live on this emotional roller coaster with you. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending how strong I am on the outside when inside the depths of my mind I’m slowly drowning into crazy.