Walking The Line

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I am walking on a thin line these days…

How am I suppose to explain to you what’s going on in my head if I can’t even understand it myself?

You ask me why I am crying after my daughter spills a bowl of cereal on the floor and I yell at her.  Because the anger was towards you and not her.

And then you try and hug me and ask me what is wrong.  This would have been fantastic had I have felt any compassion in the hug.  Instead it just felt like a stranger hugging me.  As a matter of fact a stranger probably would have done it better.

And then you got angry because it didn’t somehow instantly fix me.  Then you just blew up and began yelling at me like somehow that was a better option to relieve the situation.  Newsflash asshole, yelling at me while I am in the midst of a breakdown is not a good idea.

When both of us finally calm down I come to you to talk but you shut me out.  You say you are done talking about it and don’t want to ruin anymore of YOUR day.  Like somehow my day has just been a pleasantry of remarkable events.

strangers

I need you to be patient and understand that my moments of outbursts.  The moments I overthink something to death.  The moments of bitchiness.  The moments of whatever is going on in my head are just moments and will pass.  And don’t you think that if I knew how to make them stop I would???  That’s the problem with people not understanding mental health.  They think there is a switch that can just be turned off.  Like it’s so simple.  It’s not. that. simple.

At some point I am going to tell you that you either need to learn to deal or hit the road.  I just haven’t gotten to that point yet.

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3 thoughts on “Walking The Line

  1. I’m happy that you’re using this blog to vent and contemplate your marriage.
    I know that you’re very brave for not letting your mental health get the best of you. Your moments are understandable because you’re being strong for everyone else, trying to “fix your broken self” when your life partner is not giving you the help you need and deserve.
    Reading your blog posts has been very inspirational to me. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

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