To not have the feeling of fear.
There really isn’t much I fear. But I do have a lot of fantasies.
I fantasize about having a different husband. One who knows how to truly love someone and who isn’t still holding a grudge at the cards he was dealt as a teenager.
I fantasize about me having the courage to leave him and that my kids will be ok with it because they don’t like him much anyway.
I fantasize about after I am gone him realizing that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and dwelling in his own painful and lonely misery. Pleads for me to come back but I know once I have passed that point there will be no return for me.
I fantasize about having my career back. The one I gave up to stay home and raise our children. The decision that has left me feeling powerless and a loss of myself.
Never in a relationship has someone made more money than me.
I fantasize about the good days of our marriage and that they somehow still outweigh the bad. I know that our love is strong and that when the passion is there it’s truly like no other I have felt.
All these things that I fantasize about are creating fear in me.
I don’t want another failed relationship. I have had enough of them in my lifetime.
My biggest fear is being alone, therefore if I had no fear….I would already be alone.