It’s been awhile since my last post.
I started this blog anonymously so that I could write freely about the things I was passionate about without it being read by anyone I knew.
I like being able to do that.
I think that some of my best pieces of writing have been written here. True and honest pieces of work. No sugar-coating or trying to hide behind a curtain in fear that someone will judge me.
The real me.
The most truthful being, that of my marriage, and the fact that I know I am somewhat on the verge of losing my mind and self medicating when I feel necessary. As I sit here writing this piece I have a glass of vodka with a splash of soda sitting next to me. And when I say splash…I literally mean a tiny drop. I think the splash is more to make myself believe that I am not just drinking straight vodka.
I have also just taken my nightly dose of sleeping enhancements. Although lately I haven’t been dipping too much into the Ambien for the other two nightly drugs I take seem to do the trick for me and sleeping through the night. Not to mention drinking and taking Ambien don’t mix well. I completely black out and have had someone actually record video of me doing things that I was absolutely clueless of when watching the next day.
Quite honestly there are some nights that I would really prefer to see just how drunk I can get before passing out. My favorite feeling is falling asleep shit faced. I just don’t like the morning sun too much or the day to follow trying to keep up with my life as a housewife.
I know when that time has come. The time to go to bed because if I try to stay awake I will end up passed out in the bushes of the backyard somewhere.
My high school years were full of stupid drunken moments not knowing where I was when I woke up. This actually continued well into my 20’s and early 30’s.
But this is me. It’s who I am. And I have come to the realization that this part of me is going to be the demon that sticks with me until the end. Drinking is the one vice I can’t let go of. Nor do I really want to.
I’d like to say I am a “responsible” drunk now. Usually drinking at home and knowing that I have nowhere to go or no one’s taxi to be.
I’m almost out of vodka…dreadful.