It’s Been Awhile

addiction alcohol drunk self medicating

It’s been awhile since my last post.

I started this blog anonymously so that I could write freely about the things I was passionate about without it being read by anyone I knew.

I like being able to do that.

I think that some of my best pieces of writing have been written here.  True and honest pieces of work.  No sugar-coating or trying to hide behind a curtain in fear that someone will judge me.

The real me.

The most truthful being, that of my marriage, and the fact that I know I am somewhat on the verge of losing my mind and self medicating when I feel necessary.   As I sit here writing this piece I have a glass of vodka with a splash of soda sitting next to me.  And when I say splash…I literally mean a tiny drop.  I think the splash is more to make myself believe that I am not just drinking straight vodka.

I have also just taken my nightly dose of sleeping enhancements.  Although lately I haven’t been dipping too much into the Ambien for the other two nightly drugs I take seem to do the trick for me and sleeping through the night.  Not to mention drinking and taking Ambien don’t mix well.  I completely black out and have had someone actually record video of me doing things that I was absolutely clueless of when watching the next day.

Quite honestly there are some nights that I would really prefer to see just how drunk I can get before passing out.  My favorite feeling is falling asleep shit faced.  I just don’t like the morning sun too much or the day to follow trying to keep up with my life as a housewife.

I know when that time has come.  The time to go to bed because if I try to stay awake I will end up passed out in the bushes of the backyard somewhere.

My high school years were full of stupid drunken moments not knowing where I was when I woke up.  This actually continued well into my 20’s and early 30’s.

But this is me.  It’s who I am.  And I have come to the realization that this part of me is going to be the demon that sticks with me until the end.  Drinking is the one vice I can’t let go of.  Nor do I really want to.

I’d like to say I am a “responsible” drunk now.  Usually drinking at home and knowing that I have nowhere to go or no one’s taxi to be.

I’m almost out of vodka…dreadful.

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2 thoughts on “It’s Been Awhile

  1. This isn’t what I was expecting when I clicked on your link. I am so used to reading blogs about babies and the trials of toddlers and teenagers, it rather took me aback if I’m honest. I mean – your honesty. Anonymity helps with that of course. Alcoholism is a terrifying thing. A friend of mine became an alcoholic at college. But you have to want help to get help. It’s a habitual cycle I guess. I feel for you, but I’m sure you don’t want pity. Alison x #momsterlink

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    1. I wouldn’t say I am an alcoholic as I can go several days without drinking and many of the times I do drink I rarely get drunk. Depends on what I have going on the next day and how much I have to do. I try to avoid hangovers at all costs. I was much worse before I had kids as it was only myself to worry about. And yes being anonymous is easier to talk freely about what’s going on in my head. Thank you though for your kind words and in the mean time I am working on me.

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