Broken Love

divorce marriage relationships love hate

“I am only here because I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home.”

Those words have been in my head since you said them to me 3 days ago.  And even though you tried to say you didn’t mean it when I started making plans about you moving out,  they won’t go away.

Every time I look at you, it’s all I hear.

And even though I didn’t say those same words to you…I am starting to believe that I feel the same way.  But I refuse to stay in a relationship, just because we have kids, and be miserable.   And then what about when they are grown, and we are both older.  I don’t feel like dating, and trying to start my life over, in my 50’s.

I realize that my depression or whatever it is going on with me has gotten really bad.  But at least I am making an effort to go do something about it and see a therapist.  To get properly diagnosed instead of just some doctor prescribing some pill that he thinks is the miracle cure because he’s getting perks from the company that distributes it.

And now you tell me, “well let’s wait and see what the therapist says and if you can get better.”.

What the fuck happened to “for better or worse”?  Do you think that YOU are easy to live with?   You’re angry all at the time and when you aren’t angry, you are tuned out of all of your surroundings.  You try to tell me how I am supposed to think and feel.  And quite honestly, lately, I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

You control EVERYTHING!

And what makes you think that perhaps I will get better and realize that I DON’T NEED YOU?  What happens when the tables turn?  Oh, I am sure you will be fine because nothing gets to you.  You are like a stubborn mule that no one can get through to.

There are times that I look at you and hope that you grow old and alone.  That your kids will never come visit you because all you have ever done is discipline them but never reward them for good behavior.  I sometimes feel like I am parenting alone…even though you are here…living in this house.  I FEEL LIKE I LIVE HERE ALONE.  And quite frankly, I would rather be alone than live like this.

I think that a part of me is dying inside.  Sometimes I think that you are the reason I feel so “out of my mind”.  I can’t remember the last time you truly tried to make me smile.  To go out of your way to do or say something nice.

Those flowers died a long time ago.  And so did my emotions that went with them.

I think a part of me is starting to hate you.  And that scares me for it will only make it harder on our children if we separate hating one another.  But I also know they can tell that mommy and daddy aren’t the same anymore.  And I don’t want them growing up thinking that it’s ok to live like that.

We go entire days without even touching.

I should have run from you the very first fight we had.  Long before a relationship had developed…long before our kids came along.  I saw the anger in you that day and I should have known better.  I should have known that kind of person would never change.

All this time feels wasted…wasted on broken love.

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Rhyming with Wine
DomesticatedMomster

 

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10 thoughts on “Broken Love

    1. It’s easy to be honest when I know that people in my “real” life aren’t reading what I am writing. And I hope to connect with people who are going through some of the same situations I am. Thanks for commenting and for hosting #fartglitter.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I don’t really know what to say I guess it just goes to show how much damage we can do with words and how they can hang around and echo for what feels like eternity xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes words can’t be taken back and as much as he says that’s not exactly what he meant I am finding it hard to believe him. Truthfully I don’t know if we would still be together but maybe things would be different without the stress of 4 kids and never having time alone. We live far from family and I don’t trust to leave my kids with people. Our oldest son is 16 and babysits sometimes but I don’t feel it’s his job to always be responsible for his younger siblings while mommy and daddy go out. He has a life too. We will either get past this hump or take different roads. Time will tell. Thanks for commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, I feel your pain. I’ve had 3 divorces. Please do go for a therapist, not to “Fix” you, but to have someone who will LISTEN to YOU!! I agree about the Drs and the pills. But if you are clinically depressed, as I was/am, you might need meds. Don’t be afraid to take it if you need it.
    Listen at me boss you around! Sorry! Most of all, protect yourself and the kids. They are your most precious resource.
    Thank you for the follow. I hope you can laugh at some of my posts, and find a smile at least once in a while.
    Melinda

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have known, probably for most of my life that something has been wrong with me. I have a lot of things that I need to deal with from my child hood that I can’t seem to talk to any of my loved ones about but am totally prepared to talk to a complete stranger about them. Thanks so much for the advice and yes I do plan to take any drugs she prescribes without being ashamed about it. If it makes me feel better than so be it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aw, no. I’m sorry you feel that something is wrong with you. Me too. Isn’t that something?? Loved ones can’t seem to bear it, and then complete strangers listen with kindness. You’re welcome. Good!
        I hope you get things working on a more even keel soon!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I ask myself is it bad enough to leave and the answer is no. He’s not abusive, he’s a good provider…he’s just horrible at communicating. We both are in some ways.

      Like

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