I took a drive today and a song came on that described the feeling I have for this relationship just perfectly. It’s by Garbage and titled “Even Though Our Love Is Doomed”.
In the past few weeks I have realized a lot about the two of us and what makes us work and what doesn’t.
It’s hard to love you but even harder to think about living without you.
I constantly wonder if you will accept that you can’t change me as I have accepted that I can’t change you. I am who I am. Some days I am that happy girl you met so many years ago that laughed all the time and didn’t have a care in the world.
Now I have days that the sadness rolls in. I don’t know why or how and I don’t know if there is any way to fix it. I have been on meds that don’t work. I spent a lot of time self medicating. And now I am just trying to figure out what works best for me. And you need to begin to understand that it has nothing to do with you. It’s my problem.
My life completely changed when I met you.
It’s continued to change throughout the years. Bringing new challenges along the way. Sometimes it’s just a challenge for me to get out of bed in the morning…but I do. Because it’s not just me to think about these days. I have a family that depends on me. Sometimes that’s a heavy weight to carry on my shoulders.
And some days I just don’t have the strength and need you to take the reigns. But I am too stubborn to admit defeat and instead wander around with a chip on my shoulder and with you constantly asking what it is I am so pissed off about. You would think you would just know by now.
I NEED HELP!
I need you to let me have a moments peace. I need you to parent better. Your children are growing up right in front of you and you think that because you are the financial provider that somehow that is all they need from you.
The other night I watched you play with them in the yard. I was so happy.
I was that happy girl you met so many years ago. In that very moment I remembered why I keep fighting for this relationship.
You and our kids are the only things that truly matter to me. My kids are the only reason I am still here. I never want them to feel abandoned. I never want them to feel what I have felt.
And I know you have felt that too. You will just never admit to it.
You’re stronger than me…so what…I still feel strong. Like I said, it takes strength just to get out of bed some days. It takes strength to be with someone who is horrible about expressing any kind of emotion except anger. You have no problem expressing that.
It’s hard loving someone so much who hasn’t a clue how to return that love.
It’s hard trying to explain why I am sad when I have nothing to be sad about.
I don’t have any answers. But I have a ton of questions. The biggest one being….
Is our love doomed?