Even Though Our Love Is Doomed

doomed love marriage strength relationships

doomed love marriage strength relationships

I took a drive today and a song came on that described the feeling I have for this relationship just perfectly.  It’s by Garbage and titled “Even Though Our Love Is Doomed”.

In the past few weeks I have realized a lot about the two of us and what makes us work and what doesn’t.

It’s hard to love you but even harder to think about living without you.

I constantly wonder if you will accept that you can’t change me as I have accepted that I can’t change you.  I am who I am.  Some days I am that happy girl you met so many years ago that laughed all the time and didn’t have a care in the world.

Now I have days that the sadness rolls in.  I don’t know why or how and I don’t know if there is any way to fix it.  I have been on meds that don’t work.  I spent a lot of time self medicating.  And now I am just trying to figure out what works best for me.  And you need to begin to understand that it has nothing to do with you.  It’s my problem.

My life completely changed when I met you.

It’s continued to change throughout the years.  Bringing new challenges along the way.  Sometimes it’s just a challenge for me to get out of bed in the morning…but I do.  Because it’s not just me to think about these days.  I have a family that depends on me.  Sometimes that’s a heavy weight to carry on my shoulders.

And some days I just don’t have the strength and need you to take the reigns.  But I am too stubborn to admit defeat and instead wander around with a chip on my shoulder and with you constantly asking what it is I am so pissed off about.  You would think you would just know by now.

I NEED HELP!

I need you to let me have a moments peace.  I need you to parent better.  Your children are growing up right in front of you and you think that because you are the financial provider that somehow that is all they need from you.

The other night I watched you play with them in the yard.  I was so happy.

I was that happy girl you met so many years ago.  In that very moment I remembered why I keep fighting for this relationship.

You and our kids are the only things that truly matter to me.  My kids are the only reason I am still here.  I never want them to feel abandoned.  I never want them to feel what I have felt.

And I know you have felt that too.  You will just never admit to it.

You’re stronger than me…so what…I still feel strong.  Like I said, it takes strength just to get out of bed some days.  It takes strength to be with someone who is horrible about expressing any kind of emotion except anger.  You have no problem expressing that.

It’s hard loving someone so much who hasn’t a clue how to return that love.

It’s hard trying to explain why I am sad when I have nothing to be sad about.

I don’t have any answers.  But I have a ton of questions.  The biggest one being….

Is our love doomed?

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We Used To Twinkle

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I miss the days we used to Twinkle.

You know, those first moments of the relationship when it’s like the feeling you get when you go “WHEE!” on a roller coaster?  When that other person, you have connected with, is like a drug that you can’t get enough of?

I remember those days.

I wish that sometimes I could relive those days.  That we could relive those days.  I see moments of them but they are just becoming few and far between, but I don’t think you are the only one to blame.

I know that I have problems.  Problems that I don’t know how to fix but I am trying to work on them.  I was actually sitting here yesterday thinking about the fact that we are almost like the same person.  I think we are both narcissistic but I think you are just a little better at it than me.  I also think you are better at regressing your feelings than I am.  And I am pretty damn good at regressing things.

marriage relationships depression narcissism regression

And so I asked myself?  Is it bad enough to leave.  And the truth is no, but here is why…

I don’t feel like starting my life over, even if I wasn’t with you there isn’t a man that I would ever want to live with again because…well…I have been in enough relationships to know that the “twinkle” wears off.  It never stays that exact feeling for the entirety of the relationship.  People are who they are when you meet them and personality traits don’t always change to be what you want them to be.

My life isn’t horrible.  You are good a good provider.  I am able to be a mom and participate more in my kids lives because of that, so for that, I do have to thank you.  No matter how hard I find it for me to let someone be in so much control over finances…even those of my own.

We are sad and angry.  I am sad most of the time, and you are angry.  But because I have no desire to start over at this point and there are still moments that “twinkle”, I will continue to travel this same road.

But instead of being each other’s drug, we have now become each other’s anecdote.

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