We Used To Twinkle

I miss the days we used to Twinkle.

You know, those first moments of the relationship when it’s like the feeling you get when you go “WHEE!” on a roller coaster?  When that other person, you have connected with, is like a drug that you can’t get enough of?

I remember those days.

I wish that sometimes I could relive those days.  That we could relive those days.  I see moments of them but they are just becoming few and far between, but I don’t think you are the only one to blame.

I know that I have problems.  Problems that I don’t know how to fix but I am trying to work on them.  I was actually sitting here yesterday thinking about the fact that we are almost like the same person.  I think we are both narcissistic but I think you are just a little better at it than me.  I also think you are better at regressing your feelings than I am.  And I am pretty damn good at regressing things.

marriage relationships depression narcissism regression

And so I asked myself?  Is it bad enough to leave.  And the truth is no, but here is why…

I don’t feel like starting my life over, even if I wasn’t with you there isn’t a man that I would ever want to live with again because…well…I have been in enough relationships to know that the “twinkle” wears off.  It never stays that exact feeling for the entirety of the relationship.  People are who they are when you meet them and personality traits don’t always change to be what you want them to be.

My life isn’t horrible.  You are good a good provider.  I am able to be a mom and participate more in my kids lives because of that, so for that, I do have to thank you.  No matter how hard I find it for me to let someone be in so much control over finances…even those of my own.

We are sad and angry.  I am sad most of the time, and you are angry.  But because I have no desire to start over at this point and there are still moments that “twinkle”, I will continue to travel this same road.

But instead of being each other’s drug, we have now become each other’s anecdote.

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