As adults we are faced with choices everyday. Some are easy choices like whether or not we want creamer in our coffee or what pair of socks we are going to put on. What route we are going to take to work depending on traffic.
But for those of us with depression and anxiety there is a daily struggle to even get out of the damn bed. Even with tiny pairs of eyes staring at you asking “Mommy when are you going to get out of bed?”
My depression and anxiety have reached a whole new level of choices to make and that’s whether or not it’s time for me to close the door on this marital chapter of my life. I struggle with this daily, hourly, and minute by minute.
I have thought the pros and cons over and over again in my head. It’s like my mind is stuck on repeat. I have thought about it so much that it has caused the kind of stress in my life that isn’t good for me.
I have convinced myself it’s not bad enough to leave and I have also convinced myself that it’s not good enough to stay either.
Sometimes I think that it is you who is creating all this unhappiness that I am drowning in. And the real problem is you don’t even care. I see it in the way you look at me…that is when you look at me. And quite honestly I have gotten to the point that I just don’t care to notice if you are paying attention anymore.
The value of my choice will affect not only you and I. This is what troubles me the most.
The value of my choice will hurt the ones I love the most. But that’s the thing about kids, they are so resilient…like little bouncy balls. But the long term effects are what scare me. I don’t want them growing up and feeling like the fact that mommy decided to leave daddy left them with emotional problems that as adults they will then have to find a way to deal with.
I don’t want them feeling like I have felt my whole life.
Coming from a broken home wasn’t easy and I think has been the base of a lot of my emotional problems that have now surfaced as an adult. Not to mention that as a child it was hard going back and forth between my parents and seeing them hate one another.
And I know that I will hate you if I decide to end this relationship.
I will hate you and blame you because you never held to any fucking promise you ever made to try and change.
I laugh at you when I think of you saying your vows.
This relationship was doomed from the start and I should have seen it and listened to my instincts long before I let myself fall in deeper and deeper. But you were like a piece of metal and I was completely magnetized by you.
Now I can barely stand to be in the same room with you.