The Value Of Choices

marriage choices relationships divorce separation

marriage choices relationships divorce separation

As adults we are faced with choices everyday.  Some are easy choices like whether or not we want creamer in our coffee or what pair of socks we are going to put on.  What route we are going to take to work depending on traffic.

But for those of us with depression and anxiety there is a daily struggle to even get out of the damn bed.  Even with tiny pairs of eyes staring at you asking “Mommy when are you going to get out of bed?”

My depression and anxiety have reached a whole new level of choices to make and that’s whether or not it’s time for me to close the door on this marital chapter of my life.  I struggle with this daily, hourly, and minute by minute.

I have thought the pros and cons over and over again in my head.  It’s like my mind is stuck on repeat.  I have thought about it so much that it has caused the kind of stress in my life that isn’t good for me.

I have convinced myself it’s not bad enough to leave and I have also convinced myself that it’s not good enough to stay either.

Sometimes I think that it is you who is creating all this unhappiness that I am drowning in.  And the real problem is you don’t even care.  I see it in the way you look at me…that is when you look at me.  And quite honestly I have gotten to the point that I just don’t care to notice if you are paying attention anymore.

marriage choices divorce separation

The value of my choice will affect not only you and I.  This is what troubles me the most.

The value of my choice will hurt the ones I love the most.  But that’s the thing about kids, they are so resilient…like little bouncy balls.  But the long term effects are what scare me.  I don’t want them growing up and feeling like the fact that mommy decided to leave daddy left them with emotional problems that as adults they will then have to find a way to deal with.

I don’t want them feeling like I have felt my whole life.

Coming from a broken home wasn’t easy and I think has been the base of a lot of my emotional problems that have now surfaced as an adult.  Not to mention that as a child it was hard going back and forth between my parents and seeing them hate one another.

And I know that I will hate you if I decide to end this relationship.

I will hate you and blame you because you never held to any fucking promise you ever made to try and change.

I laugh at you when I think of you saying your vows.

This relationship was doomed from the start and I should have seen it and listened to my instincts long before I let myself fall in deeper and deeper.  But you were like a piece of metal and I was completely magnetized by you.

Now I can barely stand to be in the same room with you.

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What Triggered The Anxiety?

anxiety depression panic attacks mental disorders

When the doctor asked me what triggered my anxiety I wasn’t quite sure what to tell him.  I knew exactly what it was but how was I supposed to explain to him that my husband got drunk one night and decided to threaten me (which he had never done before) and it triggered memories of my abusive stepfather.

I wasn’t prepared to answer tons of questions about what’s been going on between my husband and I.  Truth is he has never been “suggestive” abusive.  Sure he gets angry but I have never felt threatened.  I blamed it on the booze and swept it under the rug.

My husband agreed to quit drinking and so far hasn’t touched a drop.  That was a month ago.

When I met my husband he was sober and for 6 of the 7 years we have been together he was sober.  And even when I have seen him drunk he had never once been a mean drunk…not ever.  So I am still baffled as to why on this particular Sunday he decided to turn into a real douche bag.

I know we had been having a lot of problems because I wasn’t wanting to by intimate as much mostly due to the fact that I had been on anti-depressants for so long that they had suppressed everything.  I didn’t care about anything except just getting through the daily routine of life so that I could go to bed.

I started to like the fact that he was gone working all the time so that I wouldn’t have to deal with him constantly nagging me about sex.  Sometimes I think that the fact he nagged me all the time about it was the reason I was so withdrawn from him.  I could feel myself endlessly thinking to myself, “Why don’t you just play a little hard to get buddy?”.  And when he would drink it would be even worse.  And somehow I was supposed to have sex with someone who could barely stand up.

After that particular Sunday I tried everything I could to get the anxiety under control.  I tried meditating, yoga, chamomile tea, hot baths, lots of breathing exercises but nothing worked.  I wasn’t eating, I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t focus, and the only reason I was sleeping was because of Ambien.  Like I seriously couldn’t wait to take the Ambien so that I could finally get some relief and relax enough to fall asleep.  But I didn’t stay asleep…I would sleep for 4 or 5 hours and then wake up in a state of pure panic.

It was ruining me.

Finally after 3 weeks of it I had had enough and went to the doctor.  I also joined the gym.  The meds make me a little loopy but the gym gives me back my energy and the state of panic, although it isn’t gone, is at a controllable state.

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