We Used To Twinkle

marriage relationships depression narcissism regression

I miss the days we used to Twinkle.

You know, those first moments of the relationship when it’s like the feeling you get when you go “WHEE!” on a roller coaster?  When that other person, you have connected with, is like a drug that you can’t get enough of?

I remember those days.

I wish that sometimes I could relive those days.  That we could relive those days.  I see moments of them but they are just becoming few and far between, but I don’t think you are the only one to blame.

I know that I have problems.  Problems that I don’t know how to fix but I am trying to work on them.  I was actually sitting here yesterday thinking about the fact that we are almost like the same person.  I think we are both narcissistic but I think you are just a little better at it than me.  I also think you are better at regressing your feelings than I am.  And I am pretty damn good at regressing things.

marriage relationships depression narcissism regression

And so I asked myself?  Is it bad enough to leave.  And the truth is no, but here is why…

I don’t feel like starting my life over, even if I wasn’t with you there isn’t a man that I would ever want to live with again because…well…I have been in enough relationships to know that the “twinkle” wears off.  It never stays that exact feeling for the entirety of the relationship.  People are who they are when you meet them and personality traits don’t always change to be what you want them to be.

My life isn’t horrible.  You are good a good provider.  I am able to be a mom and participate more in my kids lives because of that, so for that, I do have to thank you.  No matter how hard I find it for me to let someone be in so much control over finances…even those of my own.

We are sad and angry.  I am sad most of the time, and you are angry.  But because I have no desire to start over at this point and there are still moments that “twinkle”, I will continue to travel this same road.

But instead of being each other’s drug, we have now become each other’s anecdote.

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I Want To Be Barbie

barbie identity dolls

Who wouldn’t want to be the bitch that has everything?  Cars, houses, men, horses, and the perfect body…unrealistic body…but those boobs, no matter how old she gets still stay right where they are.  And she never gets wrinkly even after being left in the bathtub overnight.

Her wardrobe could make Lisa Vanderpump of the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills jealous.  Of course, in my house she is always lounging around naked.  Who wouldn’t love to do that all day?

She’s more popular then any Kardashian could ever dream of being.  She can sing, dance, act, and if you asked Ken I bet he would tell you that she’s like a porn star in the bedroom.  Maybe Mattel should make her a stripper pole to go along with all the rest of her possessions.

And where does she get that lipstick?  It never wears off!  And no matter what you do to her hair it still looks great.  Even matted with breakfast syrup in it.

She travels everywhere and some people go to great lengths to make shrines of her using an entire room in their house…some even as far as using their whole house.  Believe me, I have seen it with my own eyes.

She doesn’t eat, doesn’t have to take time out of her busy day to use the bathroom and she NEVER loses that “everything is fabulous” look on her face.

So you tell me?  Who wouldn’t want to be Barbie?

Daily Post: A Brand New You – “Who would you want to be, if you could wake up as someone else tomorrow?”

The Faces Of Barbie Through The Years

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PS: The only bad thing about Barbie is if you drag her across the pavement she gets all scratched up…the scratches don’t go away and she then gets thrown in the trash.  Guess that part would suck to be Barbie.

Domesticated Momster

Fearless Fantasies

fearless fear fantasies

fearless fear fantasies

To not have the feeling of fear.

There really isn’t much I fear.  But I do have a lot of fantasies.

I fantasize about having a different husband.  One who knows how to truly love someone and who isn’t still holding a grudge at the cards he was dealt as a teenager.

I fantasize about me having the courage to leave him and that my kids will be ok with it because they don’t like him much anyway.

I fantasize about after I am gone him realizing that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and dwelling in his own painful and lonely misery.  Pleads for me to come back but I know once I have passed that point there will be no return for me.

I fantasize about having my career back.  The one I gave up to stay home and raise our children.  The decision that has left me feeling powerless and a loss of myself.

Never in a relationship has someone made more money than me.

I fantasize about the good days of our marriage and that they somehow still outweigh the bad.  I know that our love is strong and that when the passion is there it’s truly like no other I have felt.

All these things that I fantasize about are creating fear in me.

I don’t want another failed relationship.  I have had enough of them in my lifetime.

My biggest fear is being alone, therefore if I had no fear….I would already be alone.

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Daily Post Prompt: Fearless Fantasies