“I am only here because I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home.”
Those words have been in my head since you said them to me 3 days ago. And even though you tried to say you didn’t mean it when I started making plans about you moving out, they won’t go away.
Every time I look at you, it’s all I hear.
And even though I didn’t say those same words to you…I am starting to believe that I feel the same way. But I refuse to stay in a relationship, just because we have kids, and be miserable. And then what about when they are grown, and we are both older. I don’t feel like dating, and trying to start my life over, in my 50’s.
I realize that my depression or whatever it is going on with me has gotten really bad. But at least I am making an effort to go do something about it and see a therapist. To get properly diagnosed instead of just some doctor prescribing some pill that he thinks is the miracle cure because he’s getting perks from the company that distributes it.
And now you tell me, “well let’s wait and see what the therapist says and if you can get better.”.
What the fuck happened to “for better or worse”? Do you think that YOU are easy to live with? You’re angry all at the time and when you aren’t angry, you are tuned out of all of your surroundings. You try to tell me how I am supposed to think and feel. And quite honestly, lately, I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
You control EVERYTHING!
And what makes you think that perhaps I will get better and realize that I DON’T NEED YOU? What happens when the tables turn? Oh, I am sure you will be fine because nothing gets to you. You are like a stubborn mule that no one can get through to.
There are times that I look at you and hope that you grow old and alone. That your kids will never come visit you because all you have ever done is discipline them but never reward them for good behavior. I sometimes feel like I am parenting alone…even though you are here…living in this house. I FEEL LIKE I LIVE HERE ALONE. And quite frankly, I would rather be alone than live like this.
I think that a part of me is dying inside. Sometimes I think that you are the reason I feel so “out of my mind”. I can’t remember the last time you truly tried to make me smile. To go out of your way to do or say something nice.
Those flowers died a long time ago. And so did my emotions that went with them.
I think a part of me is starting to hate you. And that scares me for it will only make it harder on our children if we separate hating one another. But I also know they can tell that mommy and daddy aren’t the same anymore. And I don’t want them growing up thinking that it’s ok to live like that.
We go entire days without even touching.
I should have run from you the very first fight we had. Long before a relationship had developed…long before our kids came along. I saw the anger in you that day and I should have known better. I should have known that kind of person would never change.
All this time feels wasted…wasted on broken love.