The Value Of Choices

marriage choices relationships divorce separation

marriage choices relationships divorce separation

As adults we are faced with choices everyday.  Some are easy choices like whether or not we want creamer in our coffee or what pair of socks we are going to put on.  What route we are going to take to work depending on traffic.

But for those of us with depression and anxiety there is a daily struggle to even get out of the damn bed.  Even with tiny pairs of eyes staring at you asking “Mommy when are you going to get out of bed?”

My depression and anxiety have reached a whole new level of choices to make and that’s whether or not it’s time for me to close the door on this marital chapter of my life.  I struggle with this daily, hourly, and minute by minute.

I have thought the pros and cons over and over again in my head.  It’s like my mind is stuck on repeat.  I have thought about it so much that it has caused the kind of stress in my life that isn’t good for me.

I have convinced myself it’s not bad enough to leave and I have also convinced myself that it’s not good enough to stay either.

Sometimes I think that it is you who is creating all this unhappiness that I am drowning in.  And the real problem is you don’t even care.  I see it in the way you look at me…that is when you look at me.  And quite honestly I have gotten to the point that I just don’t care to notice if you are paying attention anymore.

marriage choices divorce separation

The value of my choice will affect not only you and I.  This is what troubles me the most.

The value of my choice will hurt the ones I love the most.  But that’s the thing about kids, they are so resilient…like little bouncy balls.  But the long term effects are what scare me.  I don’t want them growing up and feeling like the fact that mommy decided to leave daddy left them with emotional problems that as adults they will then have to find a way to deal with.

I don’t want them feeling like I have felt my whole life.

Coming from a broken home wasn’t easy and I think has been the base of a lot of my emotional problems that have now surfaced as an adult.  Not to mention that as a child it was hard going back and forth between my parents and seeing them hate one another.

And I know that I will hate you if I decide to end this relationship.

I will hate you and blame you because you never held to any fucking promise you ever made to try and change.

I laugh at you when I think of you saying your vows.

This relationship was doomed from the start and I should have seen it and listened to my instincts long before I let myself fall in deeper and deeper.  But you were like a piece of metal and I was completely magnetized by you.

Now I can barely stand to be in the same room with you.

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We Used To Twinkle

marriage relationships depression narcissism regression

I miss the days we used to Twinkle.

You know, those first moments of the relationship when it’s like the feeling you get when you go “WHEE!” on a roller coaster?  When that other person, you have connected with, is like a drug that you can’t get enough of?

I remember those days.

I wish that sometimes I could relive those days.  That we could relive those days.  I see moments of them but they are just becoming few and far between, but I don’t think you are the only one to blame.

I know that I have problems.  Problems that I don’t know how to fix but I am trying to work on them.  I was actually sitting here yesterday thinking about the fact that we are almost like the same person.  I think we are both narcissistic but I think you are just a little better at it than me.  I also think you are better at regressing your feelings than I am.  And I am pretty damn good at regressing things.

marriage relationships depression narcissism regression

And so I asked myself?  Is it bad enough to leave.  And the truth is no, but here is why…

I don’t feel like starting my life over, even if I wasn’t with you there isn’t a man that I would ever want to live with again because…well…I have been in enough relationships to know that the “twinkle” wears off.  It never stays that exact feeling for the entirety of the relationship.  People are who they are when you meet them and personality traits don’t always change to be what you want them to be.

My life isn’t horrible.  You are good a good provider.  I am able to be a mom and participate more in my kids lives because of that, so for that, I do have to thank you.  No matter how hard I find it for me to let someone be in so much control over finances…even those of my own.

We are sad and angry.  I am sad most of the time, and you are angry.  But because I have no desire to start over at this point and there are still moments that “twinkle”, I will continue to travel this same road.

But instead of being each other’s drug, we have now become each other’s anecdote.

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Broken Love

divorce marriage relationships love hate

divorce marriage relationships love hate

“I am only here because I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home.”

Those words have been in my head since you said them to me 3 days ago.  And even though you tried to say you didn’t mean it when I started making plans about you moving out,  they won’t go away.

Every time I look at you, it’s all I hear.

And even though I didn’t say those same words to you…I am starting to believe that I feel the same way.  But I refuse to stay in a relationship, just because we have kids, and be miserable.   And then what about when they are grown, and we are both older.  I don’t feel like dating, and trying to start my life over, in my 50’s.

I realize that my depression or whatever it is going on with me has gotten really bad.  But at least I am making an effort to go do something about it and see a therapist.  To get properly diagnosed instead of just some doctor prescribing some pill that he thinks is the miracle cure because he’s getting perks from the company that distributes it.

And now you tell me, “well let’s wait and see what the therapist says and if you can get better.”.

What the fuck happened to “for better or worse”?  Do you think that YOU are easy to live with?   You’re angry all at the time and when you aren’t angry, you are tuned out of all of your surroundings.  You try to tell me how I am supposed to think and feel.  And quite honestly, lately, I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

You control EVERYTHING!

And what makes you think that perhaps I will get better and realize that I DON’T NEED YOU?  What happens when the tables turn?  Oh, I am sure you will be fine because nothing gets to you.  You are like a stubborn mule that no one can get through to.

There are times that I look at you and hope that you grow old and alone.  That your kids will never come visit you because all you have ever done is discipline them but never reward them for good behavior.  I sometimes feel like I am parenting alone…even though you are here…living in this house.  I FEEL LIKE I LIVE HERE ALONE.  And quite frankly, I would rather be alone than live like this.

I think that a part of me is dying inside.  Sometimes I think that you are the reason I feel so “out of my mind”.  I can’t remember the last time you truly tried to make me smile.  To go out of your way to do or say something nice.

Those flowers died a long time ago.  And so did my emotions that went with them.

I think a part of me is starting to hate you.  And that scares me for it will only make it harder on our children if we separate hating one another.  But I also know they can tell that mommy and daddy aren’t the same anymore.  And I don’t want them growing up thinking that it’s ok to live like that.

We go entire days without even touching.

I should have run from you the very first fight we had.  Long before a relationship had developed…long before our kids came along.  I saw the anger in you that day and I should have known better.  I should have known that kind of person would never change.

All this time feels wasted…wasted on broken love.

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Learning To Live With The Highs And Lows Of Depression

depression bipolar highs and lows sadness

depression bipolar highs and lows sadness

I have never been properly diagnosed as being depressed.  I was put on anti-depressants when my doctor thought I had a bit of the baby blues.  I don’t think he understood the highs and lows that I was living with at the time and have only begun to get worse.

I think back now and realize that I have always had issues with it.  I can remember having issues with my mind clear back to about the age of 8 or 9.

I have been keeping track the past year of my highs and lows.  When I am on a high there is nothing that can upset me.  I am go, go, go from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning.  I get a ton of stuff done and even the kids don’t cause any stress.  It’s like the perfect high without any drugs.

Then come the lows.  And I can almost always tell when a low is getting ready to hit because I will have days in a row of being high and then BAM I wake up one morning and can only do the minimal of what it takes to function.  Which is usually just keeping the kids alive.

I mope around and watch the clock wondering if it’s too soon to start drinking.  Which I know isn’t good for my lows because even though at the time of catching that little buzz…I know that the next day I am going to be lower than I was that day.  I am going to be snippier with the kids, with the husband, even with the damn dog.

I will hate the weather, the school run, showering, or even getting dressed.  I will want nothing more than to sleep all day long.

But I can’t.

I tell myself over and over again just cheer the fuck up.  You have nothing to be upset about.  But sometimes the thoughts in my head are just unbearable and I decide to stop arguing with myself and realize that the depression always wins.

When I am on a high, I want to call all my friends and make plans to do stuff.  Set up playdates, write great blog posts that are full of humor.  I want to take the kids to every park and swing them as high as they want on the swing set.  I want to take them for slurpees after and not care that they are bouncing off the walls doped up on sugar.  I record them and we all laugh about it later.

I read them books and teach them.  We do crafts and my time spent with them is almost like magic.  But then it disappears.

And then when the low hits all those plans get cancelled.

My oldest is starting to understand that “mommy has sad days” he calls them.  I have sat down and had discussions with him about why.  I try the best way I know how to make him understand that I don’t choose to be this way.  That no one with a mental disease does.  And then I pray that him nor his siblings inherit it.

Lately the lows have been really bad and I find myself just not interested in anything anymore.  Out of a 30 day month I am finding that only about a third of the month is good.

People say well maybe you should see a therapist.  Yeah because that doesn’t cost a lot of money that I don’t feel like spending.  I know it’s for my health but somehow I think I can fix myself with diet and exercise.  Only lately the exercise is slacking and the eating right isn’t eating much at all.

I feel trapped in my own mind.

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Walking The Line

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I am walking on a thin line these days…

How am I suppose to explain to you what’s going on in my head if I can’t even understand it myself?

You ask me why I am crying after my daughter spills a bowl of cereal on the floor and I yell at her.  Because the anger was towards you and not her.

And then you try and hug me and ask me what is wrong.  This would have been fantastic had I have felt any compassion in the hug.  Instead it just felt like a stranger hugging me.  As a matter of fact a stranger probably would have done it better.

And then you got angry because it didn’t somehow instantly fix me.  Then you just blew up and began yelling at me like somehow that was a better option to relieve the situation.  Newsflash asshole, yelling at me while I am in the midst of a breakdown is not a good idea.

When both of us finally calm down I come to you to talk but you shut me out.  You say you are done talking about it and don’t want to ruin anymore of YOUR day.  Like somehow my day has just been a pleasantry of remarkable events.

strangers

I need you to be patient and understand that my moments of outbursts.  The moments I overthink something to death.  The moments of bitchiness.  The moments of whatever is going on in my head are just moments and will pass.  And don’t you think that if I knew how to make them stop I would???  That’s the problem with people not understanding mental health.  They think there is a switch that can just be turned off.  Like it’s so simple.  It’s not. that. simple.

At some point I am going to tell you that you either need to learn to deal or hit the road.  I just haven’t gotten to that point yet.

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