How Daring Am I?

marriage relationships dare

marriage relationships dare

This week has been rocky.  I won’t be afraid to admit that but do I dare say something to you to shift the already rocky waters?

Truth is with your work schedule this week it hasn’t left a lot of time for us to even see one another which right now for me is a good thing.

My heart aches more when I see you.

I don’t know if I dare tell you the thoughts that have been racing through my head for the past several days.

Thoughts of my depression and anxiety that are only getting worse.

I haven’t had any ambition for anything for what seems to be days now.  And the gloomy cold weather isn’t helping either.

Do I dare tell you that I am so damn tired of the same damn routine day after day…week after week.  I feel like that movie “Groundhog Day”.

I just need a break.

A break in the monotony of my life.

Do I dare admit to anyone that there are some days I think that getting married and having children wasn’t a good idea?  What would they think of me?  What would my children think when they became old enough to understand that their mother felt like she was trapped in her own life.  That she sacrificed her own happiness to ensure theirs.

I don’t want them to feel that guilt.

Most days I love being a mother…I just don’t like being a wife so much.  And somehow I am letting the unhappiness of this marriage seep into what should be the happiest time of motherhood.  When they are young and still think I hang the moon.  Someday…that will be no longer.

Do I dare do something to change that?

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The Value Of Choices

marriage choices relationships divorce separation

marriage choices relationships divorce separation

As adults we are faced with choices everyday.  Some are easy choices like whether or not we want creamer in our coffee or what pair of socks we are going to put on.  What route we are going to take to work depending on traffic.

But for those of us with depression and anxiety there is a daily struggle to even get out of the damn bed.  Even with tiny pairs of eyes staring at you asking “Mommy when are you going to get out of bed?”

My depression and anxiety have reached a whole new level of choices to make and that’s whether or not it’s time for me to close the door on this marital chapter of my life.  I struggle with this daily, hourly, and minute by minute.

I have thought the pros and cons over and over again in my head.  It’s like my mind is stuck on repeat.  I have thought about it so much that it has caused the kind of stress in my life that isn’t good for me.

I have convinced myself it’s not bad enough to leave and I have also convinced myself that it’s not good enough to stay either.

Sometimes I think that it is you who is creating all this unhappiness that I am drowning in.  And the real problem is you don’t even care.  I see it in the way you look at me…that is when you look at me.  And quite honestly I have gotten to the point that I just don’t care to notice if you are paying attention anymore.

marriage choices divorce separation

The value of my choice will affect not only you and I.  This is what troubles me the most.

The value of my choice will hurt the ones I love the most.  But that’s the thing about kids, they are so resilient…like little bouncy balls.  But the long term effects are what scare me.  I don’t want them growing up and feeling like the fact that mommy decided to leave daddy left them with emotional problems that as adults they will then have to find a way to deal with.

I don’t want them feeling like I have felt my whole life.

Coming from a broken home wasn’t easy and I think has been the base of a lot of my emotional problems that have now surfaced as an adult.  Not to mention that as a child it was hard going back and forth between my parents and seeing them hate one another.

And I know that I will hate you if I decide to end this relationship.

I will hate you and blame you because you never held to any fucking promise you ever made to try and change.

I laugh at you when I think of you saying your vows.

This relationship was doomed from the start and I should have seen it and listened to my instincts long before I let myself fall in deeper and deeper.  But you were like a piece of metal and I was completely magnetized by you.

Now I can barely stand to be in the same room with you.

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Even Though Our Love Is Doomed

doomed love marriage strength relationships

doomed love marriage strength relationships

I took a drive today and a song came on that described the feeling I have for this relationship just perfectly.  It’s by Garbage and titled “Even Though Our Love Is Doomed”.

In the past few weeks I have realized a lot about the two of us and what makes us work and what doesn’t.

It’s hard to love you but even harder to think about living without you.

I constantly wonder if you will accept that you can’t change me as I have accepted that I can’t change you.  I am who I am.  Some days I am that happy girl you met so many years ago that laughed all the time and didn’t have a care in the world.

Now I have days that the sadness rolls in.  I don’t know why or how and I don’t know if there is any way to fix it.  I have been on meds that don’t work.  I spent a lot of time self medicating.  And now I am just trying to figure out what works best for me.  And you need to begin to understand that it has nothing to do with you.  It’s my problem.

My life completely changed when I met you.

It’s continued to change throughout the years.  Bringing new challenges along the way.  Sometimes it’s just a challenge for me to get out of bed in the morning…but I do.  Because it’s not just me to think about these days.  I have a family that depends on me.  Sometimes that’s a heavy weight to carry on my shoulders.

And some days I just don’t have the strength and need you to take the reigns.  But I am too stubborn to admit defeat and instead wander around with a chip on my shoulder and with you constantly asking what it is I am so pissed off about.  You would think you would just know by now.

I NEED HELP!

I need you to let me have a moments peace.  I need you to parent better.  Your children are growing up right in front of you and you think that because you are the financial provider that somehow that is all they need from you.

The other night I watched you play with them in the yard.  I was so happy.

I was that happy girl you met so many years ago.  In that very moment I remembered why I keep fighting for this relationship.

You and our kids are the only things that truly matter to me.  My kids are the only reason I am still here.  I never want them to feel abandoned.  I never want them to feel what I have felt.

And I know you have felt that too.  You will just never admit to it.

You’re stronger than me…so what…I still feel strong.  Like I said, it takes strength just to get out of bed some days.  It takes strength to be with someone who is horrible about expressing any kind of emotion except anger.  You have no problem expressing that.

It’s hard loving someone so much who hasn’t a clue how to return that love.

It’s hard trying to explain why I am sad when I have nothing to be sad about.

I don’t have any answers.  But I have a ton of questions.  The biggest one being….

Is our love doomed?

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We Used To Twinkle

marriage relationships depression narcissism regression

I miss the days we used to Twinkle.

You know, those first moments of the relationship when it’s like the feeling you get when you go “WHEE!” on a roller coaster?  When that other person, you have connected with, is like a drug that you can’t get enough of?

I remember those days.

I wish that sometimes I could relive those days.  That we could relive those days.  I see moments of them but they are just becoming few and far between, but I don’t think you are the only one to blame.

I know that I have problems.  Problems that I don’t know how to fix but I am trying to work on them.  I was actually sitting here yesterday thinking about the fact that we are almost like the same person.  I think we are both narcissistic but I think you are just a little better at it than me.  I also think you are better at regressing your feelings than I am.  And I am pretty damn good at regressing things.

marriage relationships depression narcissism regression

And so I asked myself?  Is it bad enough to leave.  And the truth is no, but here is why…

I don’t feel like starting my life over, even if I wasn’t with you there isn’t a man that I would ever want to live with again because…well…I have been in enough relationships to know that the “twinkle” wears off.  It never stays that exact feeling for the entirety of the relationship.  People are who they are when you meet them and personality traits don’t always change to be what you want them to be.

My life isn’t horrible.  You are good a good provider.  I am able to be a mom and participate more in my kids lives because of that, so for that, I do have to thank you.  No matter how hard I find it for me to let someone be in so much control over finances…even those of my own.

We are sad and angry.  I am sad most of the time, and you are angry.  But because I have no desire to start over at this point and there are still moments that “twinkle”, I will continue to travel this same road.

But instead of being each other’s drug, we have now become each other’s anecdote.

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Broken Love

divorce marriage relationships love hate

divorce marriage relationships love hate

“I am only here because I don’t want my kids to grow up in a broken home.”

Those words have been in my head since you said them to me 3 days ago.  And even though you tried to say you didn’t mean it when I started making plans about you moving out,  they won’t go away.

Every time I look at you, it’s all I hear.

And even though I didn’t say those same words to you…I am starting to believe that I feel the same way.  But I refuse to stay in a relationship, just because we have kids, and be miserable.   And then what about when they are grown, and we are both older.  I don’t feel like dating, and trying to start my life over, in my 50’s.

I realize that my depression or whatever it is going on with me has gotten really bad.  But at least I am making an effort to go do something about it and see a therapist.  To get properly diagnosed instead of just some doctor prescribing some pill that he thinks is the miracle cure because he’s getting perks from the company that distributes it.

And now you tell me, “well let’s wait and see what the therapist says and if you can get better.”.

What the fuck happened to “for better or worse”?  Do you think that YOU are easy to live with?   You’re angry all at the time and when you aren’t angry, you are tuned out of all of your surroundings.  You try to tell me how I am supposed to think and feel.  And quite honestly, lately, I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

You control EVERYTHING!

And what makes you think that perhaps I will get better and realize that I DON’T NEED YOU?  What happens when the tables turn?  Oh, I am sure you will be fine because nothing gets to you.  You are like a stubborn mule that no one can get through to.

There are times that I look at you and hope that you grow old and alone.  That your kids will never come visit you because all you have ever done is discipline them but never reward them for good behavior.  I sometimes feel like I am parenting alone…even though you are here…living in this house.  I FEEL LIKE I LIVE HERE ALONE.  And quite frankly, I would rather be alone than live like this.

I think that a part of me is dying inside.  Sometimes I think that you are the reason I feel so “out of my mind”.  I can’t remember the last time you truly tried to make me smile.  To go out of your way to do or say something nice.

Those flowers died a long time ago.  And so did my emotions that went with them.

I think a part of me is starting to hate you.  And that scares me for it will only make it harder on our children if we separate hating one another.  But I also know they can tell that mommy and daddy aren’t the same anymore.  And I don’t want them growing up thinking that it’s ok to live like that.

We go entire days without even touching.

I should have run from you the very first fight we had.  Long before a relationship had developed…long before our kids came along.  I saw the anger in you that day and I should have known better.  I should have known that kind of person would never change.

All this time feels wasted…wasted on broken love.

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Rhyming with Wine
DomesticatedMomster

 

It’s Been Awhile

addiction alcohol drunk self medicating

addiction alcohol drunk self medicating

It’s been awhile since my last post.

I started this blog anonymously so that I could write freely about the things I was passionate about without it being read by anyone I knew.

I like being able to do that.

I think that some of my best pieces of writing have been written here.  True and honest pieces of work.  No sugar-coating or trying to hide behind a curtain in fear that someone will judge me.

The real me.

The most truthful being, that of my marriage, and the fact that I know I am somewhat on the verge of losing my mind and self medicating when I feel necessary.   As I sit here writing this piece I have a glass of vodka with a splash of soda sitting next to me.  And when I say splash…I literally mean a tiny drop.  I think the splash is more to make myself believe that I am not just drinking straight vodka.

I have also just taken my nightly dose of sleeping enhancements.  Although lately I haven’t been dipping too much into the Ambien for the other two nightly drugs I take seem to do the trick for me and sleeping through the night.  Not to mention drinking and taking Ambien don’t mix well.  I completely black out and have had someone actually record video of me doing things that I was absolutely clueless of when watching the next day.

Quite honestly there are some nights that I would really prefer to see just how drunk I can get before passing out.  My favorite feeling is falling asleep shit faced.  I just don’t like the morning sun too much or the day to follow trying to keep up with my life as a housewife.

I know when that time has come.  The time to go to bed because if I try to stay awake I will end up passed out in the bushes of the backyard somewhere.

My high school years were full of stupid drunken moments not knowing where I was when I woke up.  This actually continued well into my 20’s and early 30’s.

But this is me.  It’s who I am.  And I have come to the realization that this part of me is going to be the demon that sticks with me until the end.  Drinking is the one vice I can’t let go of.  Nor do I really want to.

I’d like to say I am a “responsible” drunk now.  Usually drinking at home and knowing that I have nowhere to go or no one’s taxi to be.

I’m almost out of vodka…dreadful.

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Domesticated Momster

Learning To Live With The Highs And Lows Of Depression

depression bipolar highs and lows sadness

depression bipolar highs and lows sadness

I have never been properly diagnosed as being depressed.  I was put on anti-depressants when my doctor thought I had a bit of the baby blues.  I don’t think he understood the highs and lows that I was living with at the time and have only begun to get worse.

I think back now and realize that I have always had issues with it.  I can remember having issues with my mind clear back to about the age of 8 or 9.

I have been keeping track the past year of my highs and lows.  When I am on a high there is nothing that can upset me.  I am go, go, go from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning.  I get a ton of stuff done and even the kids don’t cause any stress.  It’s like the perfect high without any drugs.

Then come the lows.  And I can almost always tell when a low is getting ready to hit because I will have days in a row of being high and then BAM I wake up one morning and can only do the minimal of what it takes to function.  Which is usually just keeping the kids alive.

I mope around and watch the clock wondering if it’s too soon to start drinking.  Which I know isn’t good for my lows because even though at the time of catching that little buzz…I know that the next day I am going to be lower than I was that day.  I am going to be snippier with the kids, with the husband, even with the damn dog.

I will hate the weather, the school run, showering, or even getting dressed.  I will want nothing more than to sleep all day long.

But I can’t.

I tell myself over and over again just cheer the fuck up.  You have nothing to be upset about.  But sometimes the thoughts in my head are just unbearable and I decide to stop arguing with myself and realize that the depression always wins.

When I am on a high, I want to call all my friends and make plans to do stuff.  Set up playdates, write great blog posts that are full of humor.  I want to take the kids to every park and swing them as high as they want on the swing set.  I want to take them for slurpees after and not care that they are bouncing off the walls doped up on sugar.  I record them and we all laugh about it later.

I read them books and teach them.  We do crafts and my time spent with them is almost like magic.  But then it disappears.

And then when the low hits all those plans get cancelled.

My oldest is starting to understand that “mommy has sad days” he calls them.  I have sat down and had discussions with him about why.  I try the best way I know how to make him understand that I don’t choose to be this way.  That no one with a mental disease does.  And then I pray that him nor his siblings inherit it.

Lately the lows have been really bad and I find myself just not interested in anything anymore.  Out of a 30 day month I am finding that only about a third of the month is good.

People say well maybe you should see a therapist.  Yeah because that doesn’t cost a lot of money that I don’t feel like spending.  I know it’s for my health but somehow I think I can fix myself with diet and exercise.  Only lately the exercise is slacking and the eating right isn’t eating much at all.

I feel trapped in my own mind.

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